Hello to my follower... I didnt think this tale would have been seen so quickly picked up by anyone other than my personal friends and family. Welcome.
When I started this blog it was to begin with the topic of - Divorce and all that information is on another blog called Divorcee - Who hurts.
Basically it tells of all the persons involved in this who would be hurt by the break up of a marriage.
Funny enough, just after posting the information on marriage I found myself confronted on some of these same issues... which to me says that all information is relevant at no matter what stage of the relationship you find yourself.
Again welcome to all my followers and I do hope you do take the time to read the post
http://whohurts.blogspot.com/2010/11/things-people-dont-tell-you-about.html
Thank you and I will be posting again very soon.
Have a wonderful day.
Thursday, December 16, 2010
Thursday, November 18, 2010
Marriage
Welcome back..
Being new to this it took me a while to figure out how to post again. Ahhh age and learning.
Ive been thinking about where to go next in this blog and from where should I start. Thanks to a good friend and fellow blogger I have decided to look at marriage. If there was no marriage there would be no divorce. Thanks Billie :)
So...
We start with the fresh morning dew of that first glance, that first touch, that first kiss that works on us like a drug and we long for this even years later. During our first year and even maybe through the first year of marriage we are the person we so want to be for the other person. We go out of our way to impress them and our family and friends. But as time goes on we tend to want to become more selfish and say... this is not me! Everyone has to accept me as "this" because I dont want to be that other person anymore.
Its so sad that we go through this. That we feel the need to do everything and go everywhere just to secure a partner more times with lies than the real truth of our being. Then we get upset with the person we have became and the other person in the relationship because we now want to revert to .... ta daaaa ... "the real me".
Why not start with "the real me" first realizing that marriage/partnership is about compromise. We will never be the ideal person even for our own selves; so first things first ... be true to you and your dreams before making that step into marriage or partnerships of any kind.
While this blog focuses on marriage ... "marriage" is a commitment of any kind. Sometimes we carry these same attitudes into our careers. This is the person we think we need to be to get the job, to start the career, but later on its .... I don't want to be that person anymore and I really can't live up to that persons standards ... so I will be "me".
Before you start anything in life ... a little advice .... get to know you first. That's your first step. Second step is to accept who you are as a person. Third is to love that person. When you have done these, it is easier to appreciate where you want to go and make a map to get there as "you" and not as the wanna be you think is necessary for the post.
A long time ago a very wise friend of mine told me its important before getting married to ask the other person three questions which I think can go as far as five questions. Of course it is doubly important that you personally can answer these questions for yourself.
They are:
1. What is marriage?
2. What is your idea of a wife/husband?
3. What will you accept from the person you are with as a husband/wife?
4. What do you want in marriage?
5. What will you accept in marriage?
For those persons who are already married ... do as I did in my first marriage ... as the questions anyway.
What I found when I shared this with my other female friends planning on getting married... was that in this day and age of women's liberation and freedom to do whatever (with and without responsibility) men still want housewives and are trying to justify their feelings while there is need for a second income.
Evolution in human is thought of as something that is almost non-existent ... and for some its true. We have evolved in many ways but emotionally ... I think we are the same. Men are and have been hunters and gathers and women have been nurturers. We are those things with and without women's liberation. Was it the plan of women's liberation to do way with this? I don't think anything can change this.
Beyond this though... there is equality in the genders in being able to share responsibilities especially when economics demands it. We as a unit (family) want to progress in certain directions.
Opps this is a stumbling block. As a unit... as a family... do we set goals? Do we put our collective ideas into what we want out of life and map our compromised ideals to a beautiful conclusion?
I think in most marriages this is the problem. The "We" becomes an "I" when there is no set direction.
We want to live our lives forever together we say at the beginning of our relationships and it sounds plausable and possible. It has been done before by others ... why not us?
We want to have children which would mean we have to prepare financially for this eventuality. So we start that planning... but do we take into consideration the smaller matter of the development of our relationship even while we add to our unit? Do we consciously make time for each other even with the kids so that we won't lose the unity?
When we get involved in church activities and or civic organizations do we think of what this will mean to our "relationship" to our career? To every action there is an equal and opposite reaction.
In the words of the Rotary Organizations four way test... we need to ask ourselves when we make individual decision in and for a unit "will it be beneficial for all concerned".
I found it amazing when my husband sat and consciously told me his thoughts about what it means to babysit for others - "you have to return the child in the same condition that you received them".
As a female I have been babysitting since high school and never once did those thoughts ever occur to me. I guess I did apply the concept but.... never really thought of it that way. This seemed like too much thought went into this ... but when we think of joining and continuing with extra relationship activities - church, civic groups, schools - we don't put that kind of thinking into what it would mean for our mean unit - the family.
In building a family we need to keep those things in the fore front. Keeping the primary relationship growing is the mean thing, followed by looking after the additions to the unit. If we miss or forget this, we are more likely to break up than to stay together.
Selfishness is ultimately the culprit in most divorces. When the "we" comes "i". Some times we can well justify it by saying the other person gets to do this and that.. and Im left to carry everything on my own so I may as well struggle really on my own.
You didn't start alone is what all parties need to remember always. We have a responsibility to me, to us and to ours.
As humans we need each other and that is what is most important. We die without touch and that touch starts out physically and through time evolves to mean emotionally and every other ..ly's.
We became an "I" when physical abuse stepped in. Physical abuse stepped in when the need to control was overpowering. The need to control stepped in when he realized that I may be attractive to others without concern that I did not want anyone else.
This is called the problem of ownership or insecurity. This came when there was no joint journey - just a being together. We can hang together with many who just want to shoot the breeze.. but there are a select few that we want to be with on a journey and considering life as a journey we need partners that will enhance the journey. That's why not anyone will do.
Making the choice of a mate requires finding that someone ... then making those decisions together. If the "we" are not in the same journey then its time to move on before commitments are made. Once commitments are made then we need to constantly assess where we are going... where we are on the journey and what adjustments we need to make to get on course, get back on course or set another path - together.
Questions for you today is... where are you on your personal journey? Is it where you want to be? What are you doing to enhance? Is it compatible with your significant other's journey? Are you both on the same track? Do you like what you are seeing/doing? How do you improve it?
Seven to ten years into a marriage/partnership we long for that sweet fresh glance, touch, kiss of the romantic beginning. That was the love of yesteryear. Today love should have grown - grown out of butterflies in the stomach when we see each other, hoping they will find us attractive and love use despite our flaws and faults; to a solid knowing that we are not simply together spending time in this institution called marriage, but growing and living together as partners in a great venture.
Being new to this it took me a while to figure out how to post again. Ahhh age and learning.
Ive been thinking about where to go next in this blog and from where should I start. Thanks to a good friend and fellow blogger I have decided to look at marriage. If there was no marriage there would be no divorce. Thanks Billie :)
So...
We start with the fresh morning dew of that first glance, that first touch, that first kiss that works on us like a drug and we long for this even years later. During our first year and even maybe through the first year of marriage we are the person we so want to be for the other person. We go out of our way to impress them and our family and friends. But as time goes on we tend to want to become more selfish and say... this is not me! Everyone has to accept me as "this" because I dont want to be that other person anymore.
Its so sad that we go through this. That we feel the need to do everything and go everywhere just to secure a partner more times with lies than the real truth of our being. Then we get upset with the person we have became and the other person in the relationship because we now want to revert to .... ta daaaa ... "the real me".
Why not start with "the real me" first realizing that marriage/partnership is about compromise. We will never be the ideal person even for our own selves; so first things first ... be true to you and your dreams before making that step into marriage or partnerships of any kind.
While this blog focuses on marriage ... "marriage" is a commitment of any kind. Sometimes we carry these same attitudes into our careers. This is the person we think we need to be to get the job, to start the career, but later on its .... I don't want to be that person anymore and I really can't live up to that persons standards ... so I will be "me".
Before you start anything in life ... a little advice .... get to know you first. That's your first step. Second step is to accept who you are as a person. Third is to love that person. When you have done these, it is easier to appreciate where you want to go and make a map to get there as "you" and not as the wanna be you think is necessary for the post.
A long time ago a very wise friend of mine told me its important before getting married to ask the other person three questions which I think can go as far as five questions. Of course it is doubly important that you personally can answer these questions for yourself.
They are:
1. What is marriage?
2. What is your idea of a wife/husband?
3. What will you accept from the person you are with as a husband/wife?
4. What do you want in marriage?
5. What will you accept in marriage?
For those persons who are already married ... do as I did in my first marriage ... as the questions anyway.
What I found when I shared this with my other female friends planning on getting married... was that in this day and age of women's liberation and freedom to do whatever (with and without responsibility) men still want housewives and are trying to justify their feelings while there is need for a second income.
Evolution in human is thought of as something that is almost non-existent ... and for some its true. We have evolved in many ways but emotionally ... I think we are the same. Men are and have been hunters and gathers and women have been nurturers. We are those things with and without women's liberation. Was it the plan of women's liberation to do way with this? I don't think anything can change this.
Beyond this though... there is equality in the genders in being able to share responsibilities especially when economics demands it. We as a unit (family) want to progress in certain directions.
Opps this is a stumbling block. As a unit... as a family... do we set goals? Do we put our collective ideas into what we want out of life and map our compromised ideals to a beautiful conclusion?
I think in most marriages this is the problem. The "We" becomes an "I" when there is no set direction.
We want to live our lives forever together we say at the beginning of our relationships and it sounds plausable and possible. It has been done before by others ... why not us?
We want to have children which would mean we have to prepare financially for this eventuality. So we start that planning... but do we take into consideration the smaller matter of the development of our relationship even while we add to our unit? Do we consciously make time for each other even with the kids so that we won't lose the unity?
When we get involved in church activities and or civic organizations do we think of what this will mean to our "relationship" to our career? To every action there is an equal and opposite reaction.
In the words of the Rotary Organizations four way test... we need to ask ourselves when we make individual decision in and for a unit "will it be beneficial for all concerned".
I found it amazing when my husband sat and consciously told me his thoughts about what it means to babysit for others - "you have to return the child in the same condition that you received them".
As a female I have been babysitting since high school and never once did those thoughts ever occur to me. I guess I did apply the concept but.... never really thought of it that way. This seemed like too much thought went into this ... but when we think of joining and continuing with extra relationship activities - church, civic groups, schools - we don't put that kind of thinking into what it would mean for our mean unit - the family.
In building a family we need to keep those things in the fore front. Keeping the primary relationship growing is the mean thing, followed by looking after the additions to the unit. If we miss or forget this, we are more likely to break up than to stay together.
Selfishness is ultimately the culprit in most divorces. When the "we" comes "i". Some times we can well justify it by saying the other person gets to do this and that.. and Im left to carry everything on my own so I may as well struggle really on my own.
You didn't start alone is what all parties need to remember always. We have a responsibility to me, to us and to ours.
As humans we need each other and that is what is most important. We die without touch and that touch starts out physically and through time evolves to mean emotionally and every other ..ly's.
We became an "I" when physical abuse stepped in. Physical abuse stepped in when the need to control was overpowering. The need to control stepped in when he realized that I may be attractive to others without concern that I did not want anyone else.
This is called the problem of ownership or insecurity. This came when there was no joint journey - just a being together. We can hang together with many who just want to shoot the breeze.. but there are a select few that we want to be with on a journey and considering life as a journey we need partners that will enhance the journey. That's why not anyone will do.
Making the choice of a mate requires finding that someone ... then making those decisions together. If the "we" are not in the same journey then its time to move on before commitments are made. Once commitments are made then we need to constantly assess where we are going... where we are on the journey and what adjustments we need to make to get on course, get back on course or set another path - together.
Questions for you today is... where are you on your personal journey? Is it where you want to be? What are you doing to enhance? Is it compatible with your significant other's journey? Are you both on the same track? Do you like what you are seeing/doing? How do you improve it?
Seven to ten years into a marriage/partnership we long for that sweet fresh glance, touch, kiss of the romantic beginning. That was the love of yesteryear. Today love should have grown - grown out of butterflies in the stomach when we see each other, hoping they will find us attractive and love use despite our flaws and faults; to a solid knowing that we are not simply together spending time in this institution called marriage, but growing and living together as partners in a great venture.
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